Formal letter
Subject: Self introduction
Dear Prof Brad,
My name is Foo Chee Yong. I have graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma in Electronic and Computer Engineering. From young, I have always been curious about how traffic light and road planning works. It sparked more curiosity in me as I furthered my study and learned programming. Other than being curious, I also started to ponder how or why certain electronic devices worked as intended. Telematics provides me the answer that I need, in this world where transportation is a necessity and lands getting scarce. I want to be part of the telematics group that makes a difference to our future lifestyle as well as our future generation.
One of my strengths in communication is empathy. To be able to think in other people's shoes has enabled me to understand their emotion and select an appropriate response. During national service, in an outfield exercise where we were tasked to build concertina wires with limited manpower. Everyone was rushing against time but there was one guy who was idling. My initial reaction was fuming till I confronted him and came to know his family member had died. I could have reported that guy straight to superior but I chose to hear his reason for his behavior before deciding.
My weakness in communication are using hesitation words like "umm..", "uh..". I tend to think a lot before I speak so all this hesitation are like buffer time. However I believe this caused me to get rejected in an university interview. It conveys wrong tone to the listener with uncertainty and a lack of conviction.
My goals for this module is to communicate fluently so I can smooth talk and have an upper advantage in job interview. I hope to improve on grammar so as to be able to write a good report.
Best regards,
Foo Chee Yong
Revised on 09/10.
Dear Chee Yong,
ReplyDeleteHaving to read this interesting letter, I got to know you a little better. You touched on the required contents and gave examples to support your points, which was good.
However, I spotted a few grammatical errors, for instance, "It conveys wrong tone..." where it should be past tense as the interview had occurred.
Hope to know you more in times to come and that you achieve your goals!
Cheers,
Gwen
Dear Gwen
DeleteThanks for your advice and your time to read.
Cheers,
Chee Yong
Dear Chee Yong,
ReplyDeleteIt is a pleasure reading your introduction letter. You have a great vision for the future generations to come. I spotted a minor issue in the language used in the last paragraph, "so as to be able to...". We also have a similar weakness in presenting ourselves and let's continue to work on that through this module.
Cheers,
Kelvin
Dear Kelvin,
DeleteThank you for your comments. I will make the necessary changes shortly.
Cheers,
Chee Yong
Dear Chee Yong,
ReplyDeleteIt was a pleasure reading your letter. There were some grammatical errors, but overall the required content was met and it was well elaborated and organized.
Hope to get to know you better in class.
Cheers,
Paul
Dear Paul,
DeleteThank you for the comment , will make the necessary adjustment needed.
Cheers,
Chee Yong
Dear Chee Yong,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this detailed letter. You do a good job covering the various assignment requirements, and you add clear concrete details. You've also gotten feedback from your peers. Please respond to that to show that you buy in to the idea of authentic communication. (Someone writes to you; you respond.)
I'm also happy to learn that you are embracing the need to work on your language (grammatical) fluency. We can start here in terms of language use. This post has a few areas for you to consider:
1. verb use
-- From young, I am always curious.... > (verb tense) From young, I have always been curious....
-- It sparks more curiosity in me as I further my study and learned programming. > (verb tense)
It sparkED more curiosity in me as I furtherED my study and learned programming.
-- I also started to ponder how or why does certain electronic devices work as intended. >
I also started to ponder how or why certain electronic devices workED as intended.
-- ...enabled me to understand their emotion and select an appropriate response. > (lack of verb tense consistency) > has enabled me to understand their emotion and select an appropriate response
-- My weakness in communication are using... > (subject-verb disagreement)
see https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/grammar/verb_tenses/index.html
2. sentence structure
-- My name is Foo Chee Yong, I have graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma in Electronic and Computer Engineering. > (comma splice)
-- Telematics provides me the answer that I need, in this world where transportation is a necessity and lands getting scarce, I want to be part of the telematics group that makes a difference to our future lifestyle as well as our future generation. >
(comma splice/run on sentence)
-- During national service, in an outfield exercise where we were tasked to build concertina wires with limited manpower. Everyone was.... >
(fragment)
see https://www.englishclub.com/grammar/sentence/sentence-structure.htm
3. word use
-- One of my strength > One of my strengthS (one of many)
-- peoples shoes > people's shoes
-- ...to know his family member deceased. > (wrong word) ...to know his family member had died.
-- ...this hesitation are... > ?
-- wrong tone to the listener such as uncertainty and not convincing enough. > (lack of parallel word use) wrong tone to the listener, with uncertainty and a lack of conviction.
You can see that I've identified some lack of understanding and some cases of sloppiness in your letter. The good thing is you have room forn improvement.
Let's work on this.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Prof Blackstone,
DeleteThank you for your feedback. I'm sorry for the late reply , As there is no notification on the blog that prompt me, I will be actively visiting blog to reply comments left by my peers.
1. I have viewed the website you provided and hope I can put into use in my future work and improve on those mistake you pointed out.
2. I will make necessary amendments to my blog shortly and try my best to change my word uses
Thank you again for giving me opportunity to improve on my English.
Cheers,
Chee Yong